Frighten the wrong people

Yesterday, I made a fun Facebook post

Somebody asked such a great question.

She said “I am super curious here. Who is considered wrong and why do you want to frighten them? And why does it matter if you are loud or soft?”

I love the question because it revealed that the conversation in my head beforehand was SO obvious to me, and completely opaque to someone else.

And this is a concept I want every single trailblazing woman to truly GET.

That conversation with my coach was in the context of marketing — aka talking about my work out in the world.

For ANY person who is not (let’s face it) straight, white, rich and male — the worlds of chosen career, profession and entrepreneurship are pretty new spaces.

We find ourselves in worlds which were mostly designed by and for men, and that shapes every single aspect of the external (eg before the 1970s, a woman couldn’t get a business loan without a male relative’s signature) and internal (the many ways in which we internalise the messages of misogyny).

There are two layers to my whole ‘be loud’ piece.

First is the generic version — the way women are socialised to moderate our tone so we don’t cause alarm to other people.

In marketing terms, that might show up as “I don’t want to post too often” or “I don’t want to inconvenience people by emailing them too much”.

And on the flip, it can sometimes show up as a pushback against being silenced, which might mean jumping unsolicited into every single inbox or DM regardless of whether people are remotely interested in our work.

Loud in the generic context means any time someone moves closer, out of curiosity about our work, it’s up to us to keep inviting and following up until the other person has made an informed and empowered decision to buy or not to buy.

And for someone raised with a brain exposed to misogyny, that’s going to feel awkward and squirmy — it’s going to feel like “I’m being too loud”.

Second there’s the personal version which applies to me (although I know I’m not alone!) — and that’s my tendency to express the parts of my unique self which are traditionally acceptable in a business context, but not the parts that will “frighten people away”.

My fierce activism.

My advocacy for people who have been harmed by the coaching industry.

My feminist lens, and the passion for smashing the BS we all got trained with.

I tone that feisty stuff down, all the damn time. Because of my OWN not-so-subtle internalised misogyny.

So this us both a personal declaration AND a clarion call to say GET LOUD if you’ve been holding back like I have.

Oh … and “the wrong people”?

That’s just shorthand for “the people who aren’t right for my work”.

I will definitely frighten away people with strong conservative values, because I am unswervingly progressive and I love a social democracy, Nordic style.

And I will probably frighten away people who only oppose the magical or spiritual, as well as those who reject science — because I proactively and consciously embrace both.

It’s not that those people are automatically bad humans; but if they’re offended by my being loud about this stuff, they’re definitely wrong for me and my work.

Which means that the louder I get, the more easily I help them decide to find their perfect-for-them coach.

And that’s 100 percent okay with me.